BY JOHN R. YOUNG

 

Despite the best efforts of Hollywood in recent years to teach the American public about Buddhism, acceptance of the doctrine of reincarnation is not widespread.

Nevertheless, the much-ballyhooed satellite appearance of the revered head of the breakaway South American Buddhist sect on a special edition of "Jerry Springer" (after a skinhead/monk duke-out) at last confirmed what many had speculated: namely that Ted Kaczynski, the so-called Unabomber, is the reincarnation of the naturalist-philosopher Henry David Thoreau.

The naysayers insist this theory is preposterous, since the predispositions of the two men varied so greatly. The Buddhists point out, though, that since Thoreau's theories of passivity have never been either widely accepted or practiced, perhaps he was a little p.o.ed and had developed a more hard-bitten attitude before this most recent incarnation.

Different times demand different measures, after all. I mean, if Abraham Lincoln came back, do you think he'd be a politician? No, of course not; he'd be giving Letter-man and Leno a run for their money as the Quipster Supreme on a late-night talk show.

Or what about another Thoreau contemporary, Harriet Beecher Stowe -- do you think she'd be at home minding her kids and writing the occasional best-seller? Hell no, she'd be out on the self-help lecture circuit and pumping her videos on Sunday morning infomercials.

Or what about John Brown? He'd probably be blowing up federal buildings or.... Wait a minute; you don't suppose... Well, anyway, you get the point; he wouldn't necessarily be the same person.

On the surface, much of the evidence presented by the Dalai is compelling:

1. Both men were bachelors.
2. Both built cabins in the woods with their own hands, although Ted had an easier time because he used plywood.
3. Ted's middle name is John, and he has a brother named David. Henry's middle name was David, and he had a brother named John. Creepy, huh?
4. They both entered Harvard at the age of 16, although Ted apparently was more partial to their alma mater's school color, crimson.
5. They both worked as teachers. Some speculate whether Ted's stint at UC-Berkeley may have pushed him over the edge.
6. Both men worked for their brothers at one point in their careers. Ted's brother fired him after harassing a female coworker.
7. They both published diatribes against the evils of industrialized society.
8. They both worked as handymen, although Ted's efforts (bombs aside) were often criticized as inferior.
9. They both sported beards like the founding fathers of the Church of Latter-Day Saints.
10. Both often left their simple life of seclusion to further their life's work (writing and mayhem).
11. Henry was greatly influenced by Ralph Waldo Emerson. Ted emulated the hard-to-find character Waldo.
12. Henry spent two years working on the transcendentalist publication Dial. Ted once spent two years without using any Dial.
13. Henry was a man of letters. Ted was a man of letter bombs.
14. Henry liked nothing better than killing time walking in the woods. Ted's bombs injured a man named Percy Wood, and another killed the president of the California Forestry Association.
15. Henry died during Lincoln's first term. Ted faces the death penalty after having been arrested in Lincoln, Montana.

Coincidence? I think not.

John R. Young is a free-lance journalist and unpublished novelist. He hails originally from northern Vermont but for the last four years has resided near Charleston.